adhd

my mind is going 10,000 mph and i just found out i don't have brakes
that's what i heard the moment that i was diagnosed with ADHD.
it won't be much longer before i have another mental break
down and i can't sit down because i can't sit still
i'm bouncing my leg or fidgeting with my hands or chewing on something
Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder is as foreign to you as the word "calm" is to me
everyday, i watch kids drink energy drinks and then diagnose themselves
with a condition that i have been coping with since the age of three.
if only those assholes knew what it's like to be all or nothing, all of the time
ADHD is more than 4 letters to me. it has been my best friend since forever,
always dragging me down when i think things are about too look up for once.
when teachers thought they were kicking me out into the hallway alone,
they were wrong because my little buddy was there, convincing me to take a walk
because i can't sit still. i can't sit still. i can't sit still.
classroom settings are the worst setting for me because i can't handle the quiet
i can't handle the worksheets and i can't handle the multiple tasks assigned
there are 13 things in my mind and thing 1 is telling me a story
while thing 5 is screaming at the top of it's lungs
and thing 9 is singing it's favorite song repeatedly to the beat
of thing 12's drumming fingertips
and i'm trying to focus on everything all at once
it is so tiring, living a life without stability or peace and quiet
i can spend all day doing nothing and i am exhausted in the end
naps are out of the question because it takes too long to go to sleep
and i wake up always feeling worse than before
when i was introduced to vyvance, i thought i had met my new best friend
but nobody tells you about the appetite loss, the numbness that comes with it
and so i am met with the decision to be all or nothing, no inbetween
i just want it to go away. leave. leave. leave.
i want to be normal, i want so badly to be normal
i want to be able to do my work and i want my teachers to stop being frustrated
i want to slow things down and i want to stop stuttering
god please, i want to stop stuttering
i want things to be right for once, but they will never be right so i write
shitty poems to release the swirls of madness inside my cranium
when i'm writing, i can tone things down to a barely noticeable hum
my depression and anxiety stem from the ADHD and everyone knows
you can't cure someone from something that stems in their own brainstem
anxiety and depression are the friends that weren't invited to my party
but ADHD brought them anyway, and i want them to leave so badly
but they don't get the hint, they don't ever get the hint. they linger
god, this is so fucking stupid. i should be able to handle it but i can't
so fuck my teachers from middle school who never paid attention

they ignored the warning signs while I was falling behind

and fuck my therapist for saying this shit was all made up

it's not. it's as real as she was fake 

this chemical imbalance is something I never asked for 

3 am, it's so late now. i just want some sleep
but my brain is too loud